Another day

So yesterday I was talking about not going to blogs and facebook and I actually made it the entire day!!  I have to say, it has become almost habit to hit the facebook icon on my toolbar of internet explorer so I found myself going to that button several times but resisted the urge. It is a bit freeing to know I'm not fixated.  But it was also weird not checking on the lives of some people I was hearing about sometimes 3 times a day.  The food blogging people and such.
I do have to say I made some progress in a situation at work where I got an email from the mother of one of Tanner's classmates....our sons were to do a team project of a fitness routine and had talked about getting together over the weekend, well I was off on Thur and Fri and didn't see the mother's email till Monday....too late.  We had some discussions over email about trying to make it happen for them to get together but it ended up the teacher made the do the presentation anyway.  The mother said her son wasn't happy about it so I of course feel responsible BUT I tried to handle it better in my mind than I have in the past....the self beratement and told myself I was off, there was no way I would have seen the email.  I sent an email back apologizing and she was great about it......not mad at all but more frustrated with the teachers that assign projects that have to be done with others OUTSIDE of class.  I agree......so this was a positive step for me and how I process negative issues.
Food was okay
Breakfast:  Kashi cereal with almond milk
Snack:  Special K 90 cal bar
Lunch:  1 c of cream of mushroom and wild rice soup
Snack/dinner:  2 mozarella sticks, cereal with almond milk, special K bar

Didn't have time to exercise which is bad but did walk Son to school.

Live my own Life

I think I spend too much time checking out how other people live.....ie. blog hopping.  It's like I am living vicariously thru these people.  The people who are thin, healthy, fit, run 1000+ miles a year etc.  Maybe this has done me no good this past year as all the sudden this has become more of an obsession for me.....that and checking facebook constantly to see if I missed something.  These people on these blogs live in cities (I now live in the sticks and have no easy, quick access to Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, Michaels, lots of variety on stores, a yarn store that sells real yarn, not acrylic, TARGET) and do fun interesting cultural things, have great restaurants that have vegetarian options, they could care less about hunting (they all run around in camo here.....even camo purses, really???).  So I see these blogs and wish for what I don't have and that has always been a problem of mine.....the grass is always greener.

I need to be making my own happy life.

So I am going to try an experiment......no facebook or blog checking for a week, starting this morning.  WOW.....I need to do this....I need control, I am out of control even with the food.

BTW......food pretty much sucked all weekend.  Today is another day and another week.  Possibility to make my own happy life.

Fighting Mad?

I need to get 'fighting mad' about this weight gain......I need to be so angry that I push and and keep moving......
But, I'm having a hard time. I know what I should eat, I know how I should exercise, but the food and sugar have this incredible hold......and I feel like that is an excuse but it's just so frustrating that I can't master this.  I start everyday in what I think is a good eating way.......oatmeal with greek yogurt and fruit.  And I go pretty good most of the day but after noon hits, especially after work and I'm toast.  Lately I have been going down stairs and getting on the treadmill for an hour first thing when I get home and sometimes very little for dinner but that's because I've eaten 8 chocolate covered graham cracker cookies so I'm no hungry for anything good for me.  I have gotten off sugar in the past for 6+ months but it seems there is always a slip-up and I'm back to the sugar addiction.
I hate the way I look and feel but I guess I don't hate it enough to really get mad and serious about it.  I knew my job before (retail on my feet moving all the time) was key to my somewhat managing my weight but I'm positive now that it was a huge difference!!  My job now is virtually sedentary and I am seeing it.

That makes the treadmill everyday even more critical.......I need to be moving more.

But I get so discouraged........it seems to be so hard and take so long and I feel like I'm starving myself (I'm not so I'm kidding myself here) and still get nothing for it.

I know I'm whining.......when I said something to my OB/GYN about it being harder to lose weight the older I have gotten she said "You know I hear that all the time but I haven't noticed it"........I thought she was being very insensitive but I think she is probably right and I am using that old 'I'm in menopause and old so I can't lose anything' excuse.  I'm full of excuses and that's one of my big problems......TAKE RESPONSIBILITY and stop making excuses.....................

JUST DO IT.

Monday 11-7

Did I eat healthy?  Mostly
Breakfast - usual oatmeal with blackberries and coffee (the peppermint mocha creamer is out...love it this time of year!)
Lunch - Yoplait Greek with honey and Special K Bar (90 cal) and then had about 4 chocolate covered graham crackers.......50% good on eating healthy
Dinner - med size baked potato with butter (didn't have a chance to get to the grocery store) but that potato was good!!!  Another 4 cookies......
So eating wasn't too bad....still a work in progress.

Did I exercise?   YES!!  One hour on the treadmill watching House Hunters International!

Did I try to be happier?  Well, it was another day filled with Christmas in P-town drama!  Really people, we are adults and not high schoolers with agendas against one another.  Nov 27th can't get here soon enough!  But on a happier note, we got an invite to the big town Christmas party!  It's put on by several couples and you have to be invited to go........didn't get an invite last year which sort of bummed me out but couldn't have gone anyway.....niece's wedding.  It's semi-formal so even more motivation to eat healthier so I will be more comfortable in whatever dress I wear.

Sunday

Did I eat healthy?  So, So
Breakfast:  1/2 c oatmeal with blackberries
Lunch:  Ruby Tuesday's salad bar....tried to get a lot of green on there and go light on the salads but had some of the cheddar biscuits.....thankfully there were pretty small.
Snack:  Elfwich cookies.......saw Brody eating them and needed some when we stopped at WalMart....probably ate 6 of them. (Did pass up the Blizzard tho!
Dinner:  Medium size baked potato with butter.

Did I exercise?  YES!!!!   1 hour on the treadmill.   The TV is now hooked up so it is so much easier!!!

Today was picture day for the husband's family.  I hate having my picture taken but realize

I'm an Adult Now - It's MY Choice

Last nite we had an hour and a half drive home from visiting friends in the city and I spent the majority of the time contemplating the concept of what I eat it totally my choice.  Seeing people who I perceive look better than I (slimmer, more fit) and once again thinking why do I struggle so much with this.  It dawned on me that NO ONE MAKES ME EAT ANYTHING that I chose to eat.  IT'S ME that makes the choice.  Not since I was a kid was anyone telling me I had to eat a certain thing.  Maybe that's where the trouble came in for me......I love knowing that I can eat WHATEVER I want which usually ends up being a binge on sugar BUT STILL.....it's my poor choice that has given me the end result that I currently am unhappy with - about 30 lbs too much weight.
I will blame my poor choices on just about anything so that I don't have to take responsibility for them.  I have no willpower, I have 'issues', I am a sugar addict, blah, blah, blah.......
I want to try and focus on that thought......it is completely my choice what I will put in my mouth!!! 
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your own choices!!!!
I know that I have the capabilities to do anything I really want to do, so why should this be an obstacle. 
Remembering constantly - what I chose to eat is MY CHOICE so live up to it and I can be as healthy and fit as those people I envy if I just MAKE THE CHOICE!!
I AM MAKING THE CHOICE.  I know each day will be different and will have it's struggles, but I am taking back my life and taking responsibility for it!! 

Each day I will ask myself:
Did I eat healthy?
Did I exercise?
Did I spend time cultivating a strong self-worth?